You, kiss me?

Language barriers are interesting things. Not ever completely understanding a situation colors your whole experience of life. From not knowing exactly what I am ordering at a restaurant, to not understanding if my coach is saying ‘red’ or ‘head’ (two completely different plays), to wondering if the taxi driver just asked me out and I accepted. Gotta love the language barriers! Its alternating frustrating as hell and hilarious as hell. Sometimes both simultaneously.

I have to say though, learning another language is a humbling experience and one that I think I will always remember. Its really difficult to put yourself out there and try something so completely foreign. I mean language is who we are, how we see the world, and to not have control over that, to not be comfortable with the language around you is a scary thing. I have so much respect for people who do leave their country behind to make a new life and struggle to learn a new language. I think you can’t really understand how difficult it is to relearn how to express yourself if you have never done it. So all those people that carry on about all those Mexicans that don’t speak English….why don’t you go and see how easy it is.

My foreign teammates and I have noticed one cultural difference/language barrier that seems to pop up fairly often. Since I have been in Istanbul I have been called fat about six times, had my stomach pointed at while my teammate says, “Baby”, and had my coach point to my leg and say, “cellulite.” What every woman wants to hear. I swear I haven’t been eating THAT much Turkish food. My teammates tried to say it was something about my stomach being soft like a babies but it kind of got lost in translation. The first time, Meek (my American teammate) and I were walking down the street when a Turkish man started talking to us (imagine that). His English was pretty bad but it was enough to get by. He started walking with us and talking…. The usual, ‘where are you from’, ‘what do you do here’, etc. English 101 questions. All of sudden he looks at me and smiles real big and points. “Fat” he says. I start laughing, partly because it is funny and partly because I didn’t know what to say. He is just grinning from ear to ear, like he just paid me the biggest compliment and Meek is hyperventilating from laughter. He was seriously really proud of himself. When she caught her breath she suggested that maybe he meant strong…. I hope so.

But language mix ups happen every day of my life here. A Turkish friend of mine is completely hilarious. He knows no English and yet he is one of the funniest guys I think I have ever met. The other night we were out at a club, the typical loud European kind when we see an American guy we know. My Turkish friend looks at him and tries to ask him why he is always smiling but got mixed up in his English words and ended up saying to a 250 lb black American male “You, kiss me?” Sweet….. that went over well.

Its really fun to not know the language when you get stopped by the police. After the first few incidents that had me running down the street screaming from the cops I consulted our team captain. She informed me that the cops just want to make sure I am not an illegal worker/prostitute so all I need to do is tell them that I play for Istanbul University and they should leave me alone. So, its about 3 in the morning as our taxi makes its way through my neighborhood. We pass a patrol car going the opposite direction and pull onto my street. Then the police lights play across the dashboard and the taxi pulls over. Shit, here we go I am thinking as I remember not only do I not have my passport, but I forgot my wallet at the gym. The police come to the window and start talking. I say, “Istanbul University Bayan Basket Takim” which means, literally “Istanbul University Women’s basketball team” in Turkish. To which he replies, “I don’t speak English”. To which Meek and Marita yell out “She said it in Turkish you dumbass”. And then Marita proceeds to yell out the window “Don’t you guys have some doughnuts to eat or something?” We probably should have gotten arrested. Good thing they didn’t speak English…. Somehow they let us go.

My assistant coaches get way too much attention from us foreign players. Something about having two hot men around when all we see everyday are 10 other girls. We flirt with them, ask about their girlfriends, and comment on their clothes (things such as “why are you wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday?.... didn’t you go home last night?”…. you know, normal things) Occasionally we see them out at the clubs which is always hilarious and have drank with them on numerous team birthdays which always ends up with someone karaoking, someone picking someone else up on the dance floor, and maybe one time taking our coaches shirt off during our favorite Turkish song (it was his birthday). Anyway, our two assistant’s English is nothing short of funny at best and hilarious at worst. Saying things like “I am so busy these days…. Life is so TIREDLY.” Is common, as is “Be careful, the weather will be very SNOWLY tomorrow.” These of course became daily platitudes amongst us, used so much we hardly remember what good grammar sounds like.

Another time our coaches had us doubled over was at a teammate’s house. We were all sitting around eating and talking. Marita still had her coat on so my coach looked at her and instead of saying ‘Marita, take your coat off, stay awhile” which is what he meant to say it came out exactly like this…..’Marita, take off your clothes.” And so we choked on our food.

The next week we were on a plane all packed in together, my teammates bending over seats to talk. My coaches were sitting together in front of me, with Meek and Marita in the seats in front of them. We are all talking about lifting weights, whose getting stronger in the weight room, etc. All of a sudden my coach puts his hand up on the seat and says, ‘Let me touch you.’ We all stop talking and start laughing as he tries to explain that he was talking about her bicep. Uhh huhhh.

Then it was at the breakfast table at the hotel. We had just finished watching film when my coach busted out with a ‘Who what knows she will can shoot?’ Excuse me? We never really got to the bottom of that one.

That being said, my own Turkish is pretty funny most of the time as well. Half the time I don’t know if I have said I am "coming" or "going", "sleeping" or "waking up"… the words sound so much alike. And to top it off, I really haven’t mastered the difference between "relaxed" and a word for the male genitalia or how those words differ from "fuck off". I know they all sound an awful lot like "sick" in English. Be careful how you tell people you are ill! Kind of key differences. So when I laugh at someone saying ‘you, kiss me’ instead of ‘why are you smiling’ I am only laughing because I know how easy it is to completely make an ass of yourself…. But how fun it is.